


Stay

by AGreatAndTerribleBeing (PhoenixFoxfire)



Category: The Arcana (Visual Novel)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, M/M, Polyamory, Resolution
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-30
Updated: 2018-06-30
Packaged: 2019-05-30 22:29:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,510
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15106103
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PhoenixFoxfire/pseuds/AGreatAndTerribleBeing
Summary: A talk long in the making, and a resolution. An imagined post-game scene, when everything is settled down.





	Stay

**Author's Note:**

> -Most of my notes will be going at the end, because I hate putting notes at the beginning of stories.
> 
> -There is a minor spoiler regarding Julian's curse, something that was only revealed in Book XII The Hanged Man.

When it’s all over - really over, when Julian is exonerated, when Nadia has peace, when Asra has managed to restore my memories - I’m still filled with a startling lack of resolution. Perhaps it has something to do with the position I find myself in now, sitting at the table in the shop, Asra brewing tea while Julian sits meekly at the far side of the table, as if unsure he is allowed to really be near either of us. He is no longer a wanted man, but it seems he is once again unsure of his future.

There is a talk coming that is inevitable. Asra and Julian parted ways all those years ago with no sense of closure and a misunderstanding of each other. It’s left them both hurt and angry, and perhaps even a little regretful. In the aftermath of everything that’s been happening, there is now time for them to speak, and I think for the first time in a long time, they actually want to do so. But Asra is giving us a little bit of time to settle first. I am slowly beginning to sort through my regained memories, and Julian - well, Julian almost looks like he’s ready to spring away at the drop of a hat. I can’t say I entirely blame him - in the past few days, he’s gone so far as to say he wants a future with me. He must be shaken to learn about the memories I’ve recovered, about the nature of mine and Asra’s past relationship, and ours too. He probably thinks this is some long goodbye. 

The tea will help. I can see Asra adding something to it meant to soothe battered nerves. When Asra stands in front of Julian to hand him his cup, the man opens his mouth, clearly about to go off on some sort of nervous tangent, probably one full of apologies, but Asra silences him with a simple look. It’s not unkind, just one that will make Julian hush for a few minutes longer and drink his tea.

I sip from my own cup, thanking Asra quietly, watching as he sits at the other end of the table. No one speaks for a long few minutes. “We did it,” I say eventually, keeping my voice soft.

Asra nods, and Julian gives a smile that looks weak and forced. “We did,” he says. “I’m - alive.” Clearly he didn’t expect to be after all of this. “And I found the answers I was after the whole time.”

“That’s a good thing,” I say, reaching out to reassure him, placing my hand over his. He’s startled, and bites his lower lip. This isn’t a situation he knows how to feign confidence in, not in any convincing way.

“I suppose now I just have to figure out what to do with my life now.” Julian pulls his hand back under the pretense of cupping his mug, but I know it’s to escape the touch. I wish I could just burst out and say what I want to, but Asra and Julian need to talk first.

“Ilya,” Asra murmurs, his gaze settling on the other man, observing him. Julian’s cheeks color slightly, and he looks down into his mug. Throughout the whole ordeal, they have both said some unkind things about the other, but it’s plain that Julian adored Asra at one point, and that Asra did care for him in some way in return, even if not the way Julian wanted.

“We should talk,” Asra continues, and Julian’s leg bounces a few times nervously as he keeps his gaze averted.

“What’s there to talk about? Everything’s grand, the day is saved,” he responds, trying - poorly - to feign gaiety. The poor man thinks that after all he’s been through with me - letting down his walls, admitting to actually wanting a future, allowing himself to begin to feel something and accepting my romantic advances in return - that he is going to lose every last bit of it. I can’t imagine what he is feeling at this moment. 

“When we last parted, we did not leave things in a way I am happy with,” Asra says softly. “And I believe that in light of you regaining your memories, that is something that should be rectified.”

Julian swallows audibly. “I wouldn’t even know where to begin,” he admits, still staring into his tea. At least it’s had the intended effect. He seems mildly more relaxed, or at least less like he’s going to flee the seat he’s in at any moment.

“Then let me,” Asra murmurs. He sets his mug to the side, placing his hands on the table, one over the other, just studying for a few moments. “I have been bitter, when I think of you. You are quite a character, Julian, and sometimes your penchant for dramatics and this self-sacrificing act that you pull can get harrowing.” Julian’s expression grows decidedly more unhappy, but it’s not surprised. He remains quiet, though, listening to Asra speak. 

“You were selfish when you were with me. No matter how much I told you I couldn’t give you what you wanted, you were determined to keep trying. Sometimes it just felt incredibly disrespectful of my wishes.” Asra sighs softly, pulling his hands up, resting his chin on them, elbows on the table. 

“I loved you,” Julian whispers. “I was so desperate for you. You suited me in every way possible, except that you already belonged to another. I know it was wrong, but when you told me that you couldn’t be with the person you loved - I thought perhaps you could love me instead. So I took whatever you would give me, and begged for more, and I’m so sorry, I - I know it was wrong of me and - I’m sure that I got annoying.” His voice is starting to shake, and I wish I could reach out to pull him in tightly. It’s not surprising that even in this, Julian is self-deprecating. He might have thought ill of Asra, especially when he thought Asra was the one to curse him, but he had already admitted to me before that he knew he was selfish with the other man, that he wasn’t blameless. And when Julian takes blame, he takes all of it and more.

“A little, perhaps,” Asra says, unfailingly honest. Asra might like to keep secrets, but when he shares them, he is not one to hold back. “But I am not blameless when it comes to us, Ilya. I tried to forget my love by using you, and that was selfish on my part. I could have resisted your advances and it would have hurt you much less. I will admit to my part in dragging you around. Despite what my words said, my actions sometimes spoke otherwise. Although we thought we went into our relationship with the same expectations, we never really broached the topic directly. And I am aware that I encouraged many of our situations by leading you on and letting you think it would change things.” Asra pauses, contemplating for a moment. “We were together in a very hopeless time. It doesn’t surprise me that you would long for something stable in our world.”

Julian trembles, and he puts his mug down, folding his hands in his lap. “Sometimes you were so gentle I thought we really had something,” he says softly, his cheeks scarlet at the admittance. “And then, until now, I thought that you had put this curse on me. I thought that not only did you not love me, you loathed me enough to do this to me.”

“I am glad we could clear that up, at least,” Asra says. “I would never do that to you. No matter what I felt towards you, you never deserved that, Ilya.” He glances to me, smiling faintly before his expression becomes more solemn again. “I regret being the one who made you push everyone away,” he says quietly. “I've been told that you tried to put a stop to anything between the two of you for a long time." He gestures between me and Julian. "That he had to pursue you relentlessly. I remember in our relationship, you were the one constantly pursuing me. You still had the same overblown protective streak, but you didn’t refuse your feelings. I can’t help but feel that my rejection, and what you thought I did all these years played a large part in that.”

“Do we have to go through all this?” Julian whispers, his head bowed. But his voice makes it clear that his eyes are watering. This whole thing is exposing every last intimate piece of him, and I hope that Asra gets to the better part of this soon.

“Yes, Ilya,” Asra murmurs. “It is important that we understand that neither of us ever meant any harm to the other. We were both selfish and a bit cruel and we changed each other in ways that weren’t necessarily good. But none of it was out of spite.” Standing, Asra moves to Julian, kneeling down in front of his chair, tipping his head up. His expression is more open than it usually is, and I know that it’s intentional, that he’s really making an effort for Julian. He knows as well as I do, probably better, that Julian needs someone to give a full-hearted effort, that it can’t seem as though they’ll just give up on him. 

Julian’s breath catches, but he doesn’t stop Asra from reaching up with one hand, flipping up the eye patch to reveal the red sclera. “You went through so much that even I didn’t know about,” Asra murmurs, hand cradling Julian’s cheek. “I know things had already begun to turn bad between us, but I wish I could have been there for you through this. You shouldn’t have had to face that alone.” We all know that that means many things. The experiments he was forced to carry out. The feeling that he was unable to save anyone. The knowledge that he himself was facing death, alone.

Julian can’t manage to hold back a soft sob, reaching up to clutch Asra’s hand in both of his, his eyes slipping shut as his tears fall. It hurts me to think how deeply Julian had loved my master, and how betrayed he must have felt. It also hurts me to hear how badly Asra had missed me, when he’d realized he couldn’t bring my memories back. 

“It’s okay,” Julian whispers. “This is okay, I understand now. I can - I can go, I’m not angry with you anymore.” 

“Oh, no, Ilya,” Asra says softly, his expression a little sad, but not because he’s going to deliver sad news. Rather, he aches for Julian, for all the misunderstandings they’ve caused each other. “I never told you this,” he says. “Because I knew it would have made everything worse. But I - I could have loved you.” He stares up at Julian, intent on making sure the other really listens to him. “If I hadn’t had him, if I hadn't been so distraught and desperately working on my own matters, I could have come to accept your advances and return them in kind. I think your self-sacrificing to protect others is reckless and needless, yes, but I also think it takes a very deep kind of love to be able to have such an attitude. You’re dramatic, but you throw yourself wholly into everything you do. You’re a good man, Ilya. I’ve known that from the start. You worked yourself to the bone for something that seemed impossible, and even in your suffering, you maintained compassion for others.”

Julian is staring at Asra, clearly unsure of where this is even going, but remaining silent so that he might see. 

“Stay here, Ilya,” Asra says, and Julian gives a soft whine. 

“How can you ask that of me?” he whispers. “How can you say all that about me and then ask me to stay here to be witness to the two of you having each other?”

“Because it doesn’t have to be a choice,” Asra says simply. “I am overjoyed that the man I love has reclaimed his memories. That we can now be together again, that we both still want that. But I am not so cruel as to deny the connection the two of you formed. That would hardly be fair of me.” Julian still seems speechless, so Asra leans up, brushing his lips ever so faintly against Julian’s. “I said that I could love you,” he whispers. “That still rings true. Before, I was unable to because of him. It felt like a betrayal, and I was so lost and hopeless and unable to jump into something true and loving. But it seems that he has love - and patience - enough for the both of us. If he can feel such a way, then why can’t we?”

Asra pulls back, sitting on his heels, still in front of Julian, but giving him some space. Good thing, too, because Julian looks like he’s about to pass out, frankly. He almost whips his head to me, with that wide-eyed expression he gets when he’s startled, taken completely off guard. With a smile, I just nod. Without my memories, I still felt my heart tugging towards Asra: with them, I am filled with an overwhelming amount of love for him. But it doesn’t erase what has been building between Julian and I in the past few days. I love him, and I don’t want to be without him.

Julian turns back to Asra, who is sitting serenely at his feet. “You want this?” he breathes. “This isn’t - some elaborate joke? Or a lie you’re telling just to keep us both satisfied?”

“Not a lie. Or a joke,” Asra says. “I want to allow us to be what we would have been, under different circumstances. I want to help you find a new path in life. To be one of the people who help you see past your self-loathing, to help you realize your worth. I want to love you.”

Julian covers his eyes with his hands, but we’ve both already seen the tears spilling from his eyes. “How could I say no to that?” he replies, voice catching, choking. “You’ve had all of me from the moment we met, Asra.”

Asra smiles faintly. “I know, Ilya,” he murmurs, placing a hand on Julian’s knee. 

“You would really have both of us?” Julian asks, turning towards me again. He doesn’t bother to wipe the tears off his cheeks as he lowers his hands. “And we could - have each other?”

“I can think of nothing that I want more,” I say. “I want both of you to be happy. And being with both of you would make me happy too.”

Julian manages a wavery smile, a true one. His hand finds its way to cover Asra’s, and he inhales deeply for a moment. Then he speaks.

“Alright. I’ll stay.”

**Author's Note:**

> -Alright! Well, this is the first thing I've written in a very, very long time, so I hope it's alright.
> 
> -I am in love with this game, tbh, I'm happy that something finally inspired me to write again.
> 
> - ~~I should note that I have only played Julian's route in it's entirety so far. I spent more money than I should, but I'm a sucker for the premium choices. Asra's route will be next, but I'm forcing myself to wait for the next paycheck as I do have bills to pay. But if there's any mistakes on Asra's part, just know that I haven't played his route. I'm intimately more familiar with Julian.~~ As of this current moment, I have played both Asra and Julian's route, up to XIII - Death. I have fixed one or two things very small details, but most of this is left untouched as I still believe it works.
> 
> -But honestly I like this, so even if I do it and my opinion changes, or new updates come out that ruin this, I'm going to keep it just like this. That's the beauty of this sort of game. 
> 
> -I tried to keep the Apprentice as vague as possible except for the fact that he's male. This is much more about Asra and Julian, and I don't wanna ruin your illusion by mentioning things about my Apprentice that are different from yours. 
> 
> -I also lowkey really want this to be a possible ending, as I simply adore both Asra and Julian, and I want the Apprentice to end up with both of them. I want people who are down with polyamory to be able to have that option.
> 
> -This was written at the time of the update for Book XII - The Hanged Man. Reviewed after XIII - Death came out, still good.
> 
> -I think that's all the notes I have, if I remember anything else, I'll come back and add them.


End file.
